The Beginning

Of course I felt it. I felt it every month, the lump in my breast that went away a week or so after my period ended. The problem was that the lump that I felt in December was like the dinner guest that stayed long after their welcome.  You're yawning, and they're not contributing anything of value to the conversation or picking up on your not so subtle hints to leave. They just sit there, taking up space.

The lump didn't just sit there, it began to grow and become uncomfortable. I was convinced that it was just a swollen gland.

My trip to the doctor to get it checked out was postponed when my partner nearly died with pneumonia and sepsis, and was put into an induced coma. My days were spent working and going to the hospital, besides, I just had an infection of the boob right? RIGHT?

Sheri was released from the hospital and I made an appointment at the clinic to get some antibiotics. She knew Dr. Kaufhold and gave her a heads up on what was happening. That day was a whirlwind. Dr. Kaufhold did a breast exam, sat back and said she felt nothing good about the lump in my breast. "It could be a swollen gland, an infection, or cancer. I'll need more tests but it feels like cancer or an infection along with cancer." She gave me some antibiotics and pain meds that did not come close to addressing the pain and sent us immediately to the Imaging Center for a mammogram and ultrasound. The boob being squished in a vice hurt like a biatch!

The way Dr. Kaufhold had things progressing just kind of confirmed what I had known and feared even without having any more tests.

I had cancer.

Sure there was hope that I didn't but I was pretty sure that I did. I had feared getting cancer ever since my mom died of pancreatic cancer in 2000. Not only did she let the disease progress until it was too late, but my parent's kept a lot of information to themselves that they wouldn't share with us kids. Being kept in the dark was worse because the secrets made it hard to emotionally process the losing of the woman who had given us life. We made a pact that if anything were to happen to any of us, we would not keep it to ourselves. We would tell each other immediately. My first thought after the realization hit me that I had the disease was "How am I going to tell my sister?" We have a close relationship and I wanted to protect her, my brother and older sister at any cost. It would be easier to go through this alone or with Sheri and not burden them with this. I hated the fact that they would have to go through the worry and fear.I just wanted to protect them.

I called my sister that day it was the worst I had heard her cry in my whole life. I just wanted to make it OK for her as I did not want her to hurt.  Cathie was able to tell our brother and sister, this was a task that I just could not bring myself to do. I told the ladies in my support group but I didn't make big announcements. Those who were close, I tried to tell them in person. Telling people I had cancer was like a slow coming out process as the veil of denial lifted from my eyes.

As the numbness set in I was aware of some spiritual tools that fell into place to keep me sane and out of fear. The first was I stayed in the moment, only looking at the next indicated step. I would not allow myself to worry about "what if?" scenarios. Instead I focused on heading to the pharmacy, to a meeting, or cooking dinner.

I feel positive that I will survive this, dying is not an option and I have an awesome support group with my family and friends. I am amazed that God put Sheri and I in each other's lives at the right time to fall in love and blend our lives. I was able to be there through her illness, she recovered just in time to be there for me. God is good.

This is my first public announcement about my cancer. My friend, Kim, suggested I write a blog to keep everyone up to date on what is happening and to record my feelings and impressions of this path. I believe that my writing leaves a lot to be desired, so I'm telling Sheri what I want to say and she's doing the writing. Any errors are her fault.